ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX.
SHAKE IT, DUDE.
[ ?????? ]
Michael: [ Reading ] "SO, CAPTAIN ASTRO,
THIS IS HOW IT ENDS?
WITH A WHIMPER, NOT A BANG?
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, MORPHISTO,
BUT I'M GETTING QUITE A BANG OUT OF IT.
ALL THESE YEARS OF YOUR PURSUITS
FROM PLANET TO PLANET, OVER GALAXIES,
ACROSS BILLIONS OF LIGHT YEARS, HAS EXHAUSTED ME.
YOU'LL BE GETTING PLENTY OF REST FROM NOW ON, MORPHISTO
IN SOLAR SOLITARY."
THIS IS SO FUCKING COOL!
"FEELING WEAK... CAN BARELY STAND.
I FORGOT TO MENTION, MY DEAR CAPTAIN,
THIS PLANET I HAD YOU CHASE ME TO HAS A DEADLY VIRUS.
LUCKILY I'M COMPLETELY IMMUNE.
TOO BAD YOU DIDN'T GET YOUR SHOTS.
HELP ME."
CAPTAIN ASTRO IS DEAD?
Emmett: OH, MY GOD!
WHAT HAPPENED?
HE DIED OF AN INTERGALACTIC VIRUS
FOR WHICH THERE'S NO KNOWN CURE.
WHAT DOES THAT SOUND LIKE TO YOU?
A CHEAP PLOY TO GET YOU TO BUY THE NEXT ISSUE.
"CAPTAIN ASTRO RETURNS FROM THE DEAD!"
THAT'LL BE $1.25
THERE'S NOT GOING TO BE A NEXT ISSUE.
I TALKED TO THE PUBLISHER.
THEY'RE NEVER BRINGING HIM BACK.
SWEETHEART, WHAT'S WRONG?
THEY KILLED HIM.
WHO?
CAPTAIN ASTRO.
Brian: [ Snorting ]
OH, HONEY, I'M SO SORRY.
DON'T YOU EVER FUCKING SCARE ME LIKE THAT AGAIN!
FUCK!
[ Chuckling ] WELL, LOOK AT IT THIS WAY,
HE LIVED A LONG AND PRODUCTIVE LIFE.
HE MUST HAVE SAVED THE WORLD AT LEAST 5,000 TIMES.
YEAH, A-AND AT HIS AGE,
TO STILL LOOK GOOD IN SPANDEX,
THAT'S QUITE AN ACHIEVEMENT.
LOOK, YOU GUYS CAN JOKE ALL YOU WANT,
BUT THE WORD ON THE NET IS THE REASON THEY KILLED HIM
WAS 'CAUSE PEOPLE THOUGHT HE WAS GAY.
WELL, AFTER LIVING WITH GALAXY LAD FOR 30 YEARS,
RUMOURS ARE BOUND TO CIRCULATE.
IF IT'S TRUE THAT THEY KILLED CAPTAIN ASTRO BECAUSE HE'S GAY
THAT MAKES HIS DEATH A HATE CRIME.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK, I THINK WE'RE GETTING
A LITTLE CARRIED AWAY HERE. I MEAN, HE'S NOT REAL.
HE'S A COMIC BOOK CHARACTER.
HE WAS MORE THAN THAT.
HE WAS A HERO TO A LOT OF KIDS THAT DON'T HAVE HEROES,
AND...
NOW HE'S GONE.
THIS IS OUR PLAT BLEU SPECIAL.
PAIN DE VIANDE, PUREE DE POMMES DE TERRE
AND ASAUCE ROUGE RELEVEE POUR LA SALADE.
TRANSLATION: BLUE PLATE SPECIAL.
MEATLOAF, MASHED POTATOES AND ICEBERG LETTUCE
WITH RUSSIAN DRESSING.
[ Chuckling ]
NEXT, LE MENU PARISIEN.
OOH-LA-LA!
CANARD ROYAL,
SOUFFLE DE FROMAGE IMPERIAL
ANDTARTE FRAMBOISE A LA REINE.
SO HOW MUCH FOR MARIE ANTOINETTE'S LAST MEAL?
50.
LET THEM EAT WEDDING CAKE.
WHAT'S THAT?
OH...
THAT IS OUR CORNUCOPIAD'OR.
THE FEAST OF FEASTS.
NEW ZEALAND FILET MIGNON AND AFRICAN LOBSTER.
HOW MUCH?
125.
[ Whistle ] FOR SURF AND TURF?
HMM. PERHAPS I SHOULD LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE
TO DISCUSS YOUR SPECIAL DAY.
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT,
"LE PLAT BLEU"...
IT'S CALLED A TASTING.
IT'S CALLED A RIP-OFF.
I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT THEY CHARGE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE STILL CARRYING ON ABOUT IT.
SO WHICHPLAT DID THE HAPPY COUPLE PICK?
WE HAVEN'T DECIDED YET.
BUT I'M LEANING TOWARDS THE CORNUCOPIAD'OR.
OOH, WHAT'S THAT?
AFRICAN LOBSTER AND FILET MIGNON FROM NEW ZEALAND.
THEY FLY THE COW HERE FIRST CLASS.
[ Chuckling ]
IT'S OUR SPECIAL DAY.
HOW MANY MORE TIMES AM I GONNA HAVE TO FUCKING HEAR THAT?
YOU DON'T.
IN FACT, WE DON'T HAVE TO HAVE A SIT- DOWN DINNER AT ALL.
WE CAN HAVE THE WEDDING RIGHT HERE.
VERY FUNNY.
I'M SERIOUS. WE CAN DO IT FROM 5:00 TO 7:00 DURING HAPPY HOUR,
TWO-FOR-ONE DRINKS,
FREE BAR NUTS,
AND AN ALL-YOU- CAN-EAT BOTTOM- LESS BUCKET OF BUFFALO WINGS!
THE WHOLE THING WON'T COST US MORE
THAN A COUPLE HUNDRED BUCKS, TOPS.
SIT DOWN. YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS.
I'LL STAND ON MY HEAD IF I WANT.
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S BEING RIDICULOUS,
COUNTING EVERY NICKEL AND DIME.
EVERY NICKEL AND DIME WE DON'T HAVE.
Leda: GIRLS, GIRLS.
WE MAY BE DYKES, BUT REMEMBER,
WE ARE STILL LADIES.
I'M SORRY IF YOU FEEL THAT ALL I CARE ABOUT IS MONEY,
BUT I DIDN'T GROW UP A SPOILED LITTLE RICH GIRL, LIKE YOU.
I AM NOT A SPOILED LITTLE RICH GIRL.
PLEASE! YOUR ENTIRE WORLD VIEW
IS BASED ON SANTA BRINGING YOU EVERYTHING YOU EVER ASKED FOR.
HE DIDN'T BRING ME EVERYTHING I ASKED FOR.
LIKE HELL HE DIDN'T.
I NEVER GOT THAT ROBIN-EGG BLUE
CASHMERE SWEATER I ALWAYS WANTED.
YOU KNOW, I MERELY THOUGHT THAT JUST THIS ONCE,
WE COULD BE A LITTLE EXTRAVAGANT.
BUT OBVIOUSLY YOU'D BE HAPPIER
IF WE'D GONE TO "WEDDINGS FOR LESS". OR BETTER YET,
NOT EVEN GONE THROUGH WITH IT AT ALL.
NO, I NEVER SAID THAT,
BUT IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT, IT'S NOT TOO LATE.
[ Sigh ] MARRIAGE.
STRAIGHT PEOPLE DESERVE IT.
Emmett: [ Gasps of pleasure ]
AH... GOD!
[ Moans of pleasure ]
WHERE IN THE WORLD DID YOU LEARN THAT?
[ Chuckling ] OH,
AT MY AGE, TECHNIQUE IS EVERYTHING.
AH, TECHNIQUE. [ Chuckle ]
I WOULD CALL THAT ART.
[ Panting ]
OH-H...
THAT WAS THE BEST ORAL SEX...
I HAVE EVER HAD.
I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU WANT TO GO TO BED
WITH AN OLD GUY LIKE ME
WHEN THERE'S ALL THOSE BEAUTIFUL YOUNG MEN OUT THERE.
WELL, FOR ONE THING,
MOST OF THOSE BEAUTIFUL YOUNG MEN
ARE ONLY IN- TERESTED IN THEMSELVES.
AND FOR ANOTHER,
THE SEX IS USUALLY SO FAST AND IMPERSONAL,
YOU FORGET THAT YOU HAD IT BY THE TIME YOU GET HOME.
WITH YOU, IT'S DIFFERENT.
WELL, I GOTTA GO.
I'M SUPPOSED TO MEET THE BOYS AT BABYLON.
BABYLON?
YEAH.
IT'S A GAY DANCE CLUB.
I'VE BEEN TO A GAY DANCE CLUB ONCE, I THINK.
ONCE? AND THAT WAS YEARS AGO,
BUSINESS TRIP, SAN FRANCISCO.
OH, I FELT SO... AWKWARD, SO OUT OF PLACE, SO...
I JUST TURNED AROUND AND I LEFT. HUH.
YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT'S THE ONLY TIME
YOU'VE EVER BEEN IN A PLACE FULL OF QUEERS?
WELL, AT THE OPERA, OF COURSE.
[ Slapping of thigh ] COME ON.
WHERE ARE WE GOING?
YOU ARE COMING WITH ME.
OH, NO. NO-NO, I'M NOT READY.
HONEY, OF COURSE YOU ARE READY. NO.
YOU'VE BEEN READY YOUR ENTIRE LIFE,
YOU JUST DIDN'T KNOW IT. [ Groaning ]
NOW COME ON. PUT ON YOUR DANCING SHOES.
WE ARE GOING TO BABYLON. [ Chuckling ]
[ ?????? ]
COME ON, MICHAEL, CHEER UP.
IT'S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD.
JUST THE UNIVERSE.
Michael: I SHOULD HAVE STAYED AT HOME.
AND CRIED YOURSELF TO SLEEP.
IF I WANTED TO, YES.
AND WHAT FUCKING BUSINESS IS IT OF YOURS?
BETTER TO JOIN THE LIVING.
HAVE A DRINK.
HAVE A BUMP.
HAVE A BOY.
IN CASE YOU'VE FORGOTTEN, I'M SEEING SOMEONE.
WHAT'S THAT HAVE TO DO WITH IT?
YOU'VE TRAINED HIM WELL.
Ted: WELL, THE KID HAS A POINT.
YOU'RE NOT TYING THE KNOT
LIKE THE MERRY MUNCHERS.
YOU GUYS AREN'T EVEN LIVING TOGETHER.
YEAH, SO TREAT YOURSELF.
THAT'S YOUR ARRANGEMENT.
OOH.
WHAT ABOUT HIM?
Brian: HE'S TOO TALL.
HIM.
TOO HAIRY.
YOU SOUND LIKE GOLDILOCKS.
HEY, AND THERE'S THE THREE BEARS.
Justin: BEFORE WE TAKE ANYONE HOME,
WE BOTH HAVE TO BE IN COMPLETE AGREEMENT.
THAT'S WHERE SO MANY COUPLES GO WRONG.
ONE WANTS THE FLORAL PATTERN,
THE OTHER WANTS STRIPES.
THERE'S EMMETT.
HEY!
Brian: WHO'S THAT FOSSIL BESIDE HIM?
IT'S THE CRYPT-KEEPER.
I WOULD THINK HE'D BE JUST YOUR TYPE,
NOT TOO HAIRY, NOT TOO TALL,
BUT JUST RIGHT.
Emmett: HI, GUYS!
I WANT YOU TO MEET MY NEW FRIEND, GEORGE.
HI, GUYS.
HEY.
Michael: HI.
HELLO.
UH, A-ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE EVERYONE.
I FEEL AS IF I KNOW EVERY- BODY ALREADY.
YOU'RE TED, AM I CORRECT?
THAT'S RIGHT.
George: THE ENTREPRENEUR.
IF FETCH AND I OWE YOU A DEBT OF GRATITUDE,
IT'S 'CAUSE YOUR WEBSITE BROUGHT US TOGETHER.
AND LET'S SEE,
YOU, OF COURSE, ARE MICHAEL,
THE DEVOTED FRIEND.
YOU TOLD HIM THAT?
AND JUSTIN.
IF I'D HAD YOUR COURAGE WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE,
HOW DIFFERENT MY LIFE WOULD'VE BEEN.
OH, YEAH, BRIAN.
WELL, FROM WHAT EMMETT TELLS ME,
YEAH, YOU'RE THE LOVE CHILD OF JAMES DEAN
AND AYN RAND.
GEORGE, CAN I BUY YOU A DRINK?
UH... WE CAME HERE TO DANCE.
Emmett: COME ON, GEORGE. LET'S BOOGIE.
[ ?????? ]
LOOK AT THEM GO.
WELL, THAT SHOULD HELP KEEP HIS CHOLESTEROL DOWN.
YOU THINK THEY'RE ACTUALLY DOING IT?
WHY, YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH OLDER MEN, KID?
OH-H! IT'S JUST LIKE A DREAM!
CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT I'VE BEEN MISSING.
ME EITHER.
[ ?????? ]
CHECK OUT THE DIRTY BLONDE IN THE WIFE-BEATER.
Justin: GREAT ASS.
HOW DO YOU ALWAYS KNOW WHAT I LIKE?
YOU OLDER MEN ALWAYS GO FOR THE SAME TYPE.
I'LL GO GET HIM.
[ ?????? ]
[ Panting ]
YOU HAVE GREAT TASTE.
Man: THANKS.
OH, N-NOT YOU. H-HIM.
[ Panting ]
FIRST TIME I SAW HIM,
I WAS TEN YEARS OLD.
I WAS WALKING DOWN AISLE SEVEN IN FISHER'S DRUG STORE...
AND THERE HE WAS.
"THE ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN ASTRO."
I'D NEVER EVEN HEARD OF HIM.
HE WASN'T FAMOUS LIKE SPIDERMAN OR SUPERMAN.
BUT I THINK THAT'S WHAT ATTRACTED ME, YOU KNOW?
IT WAS LIKE I HAD DISCOVERED HIM.
HMM. OR, UH,
MAYBE IT WAS THE...
GIANT BULGE IN HIS TIGHTS?
AFTER I PICKED IT UP, I... I JUST COULDN'T PUT IT DOWN.
THEN MY MA YELLED OVER THE STORE SPEAKER,
"MICHAEL NOVOTNY, GET YOUR ASS TO THE CHECKOUT."
SO I STUFFED IT DOWN THE FRONT OF MY CORDS.
YOU STOLE CAPTAIN ASTRO?
THERE WASN'T ANY EXTRA MONEY FOR COMICS.
SOON AS I GOT HOME, I RAN UP TO MY ROOM
AND I FINISHED IT.
IT WAS ALL ABOUT, UH,
HOW MORPHISTO WAS TEMPTING CADET ASTRO,
HE WASN'T A CAPTAIN YET,
WITH THE ANSWERS TO THE OFFICER'S EXAM
AT THE INTER- GALACTIC ACADEMY.
ASTRO WOULD NEVER LIE OR CHEAT OR STEAL.
WELL, AS SOON AS I READ THAT I...
I HOPPED BACK ON MY BIKE
AND I RODE BACK TO FISHER'S DRUG STORE AND...
I TOLD MR. FISHER THAT I HAD SWIPED IT.
I WAS SURE HE WAS GOING TO CALL THE COPS.
BUT INSTEAD HE REACHED INTO HIS POCKET
AND HE PULLED OUT TWO QUARTERS...
AND HE PUT THEM INTO THE CASH REGISTER
AND HE HANDED ME BACK THE COMIC.
AND HE SAID
THAT I SHOULD GO HOME,
MY MOM WAS PROBABLY WORRIED ABOUT ME.
YOU'RE A GOOD MAN, MICHAEL NOVOTNY.
EVEN IF YOU ARE A PETTY CROOK.
WHERE'S MINE?
COULD I HAVE THE ARTS AND LEISURE SECTION?
I'M READING IT.
IN THE SIX YEARS I'VE KNOWN YOU,
YOU'VE NEVER READ THE ARTS AND LEISURE SECTION.
WELL, I'M READING IT TODAY.
[ Ringing of phone ]
Y-ELLO?
HANG ON. IT'S FOR YOU.
HELLO?
HI, MOM. DID YOU GET MY MESSAGE?
THAT'S GOOD.
BUT SHE LEFT IT TO ME, SHE WANTED ME TO WEAR IT.
[ Clearing of throat ]
WELL, IT'S REAL TO ME, MOM.
AND IT'S NOT YOUR PLACE TO REFUSE, MOTHER.
[ Beep of hanging up ]
[ Slamming of phone ]
NOW WHAT?
SHE WON'T LET ME HAVE MY GRANNY FAYE'S WEDDING DRESS.
WHAT?
SHE SAID IF GRANNY FAYE KNEW
A LESBIAN WAS GETTING MARRIED IN HER DRESS,
SHE'D DIE.
I THOUGHT SHE ALREADY DID.
[ Clearing of throat ]
HONEY.
IT MEANT A LOT TO ME
TO GET MARRIED IN HER DRESS.
I KNOW, BABY. I KNOW.
HOLY SHIT!
UH...
[ Mixed chatter ]
NO WALLET, NO I.D.
YOU SEARCHED THE DUMPSTER?
Officer: YEAH,
AND THE ALLEY ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE CORNER.
NOTHING.
SEARCH IT AGAIN.
YOU MIND IF I ASK YOU A COUPLE OF QUESTIONS, UH, DEBBIE?
NOT IF YOU DON'T MIND ME ASKING YOU ONE FIRST.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?
LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY STRANGLED THE VICTIM
AND TOSSED HIM IN THE TRASH.
WHAT TIME DID YOU SAY YOU FOUND HIM?
15, 20 MINUTES AGO.
UH, WHEN I CALLED YOU.
HOW LONG DO YOU THINK HE'S BEEN IN THERE?
SIX, SEVEN HOURS FROM THE LOOK OF IT.
YOU EVER SEEN HIM BEFORE?
YEAH, I SEEN HIM.
UGH.
SUNSHINE, DON'T LOOK.
SUNSHINE?
YEAH.
THAT'S WHAT I CALL HIM.
WHAT, YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?
HOW ABOUT HIM, HAS HE GOT A NAME?
SPANISH OMELET.
WHAT?
Debbie: EXTRA CRISPY HOME FRIES,
WHOLE WHEAT TOAST.
I ONLY KNEW HIM BY HIS ORDER.
Officer: HEY, YOU GOT A NAME, DETECTIVE?
Detective: LOOKS LIKE WE GOT A JANE DOE.
Debbie: WHAT'D YOU JUST SAY?
AH, COP TALK.
OH.
YOU KNOW, JUST BECAUSE YOU FOUND A BODY ON LIBERTY AVENUE,
DOESN'T GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO MAKE FAG JOKES.
THE BOY IN THE TRASH WAS SOME- BODY'S SON.
YEAH. I'M SURE HE MADE HIS MOTHER PROUD.
WELL, I AM THE PROUD MOTHER OF A GAY SON.
AND YOU ARE A HOMOPHOBIC PRICK.
THE NAME'S HORVATH.
H-O-R-V-A-T-H. FILE A COMPLAINT.
MA, ARE YOU OKAY?
THIS IS MY GAY SON, MICHAEL.
I WAS JUST TELLING THIS NICE OFFICER ALL ABOUT YOU, HONEY.
OH, AN ACCIDENT?
JESUS, WHAT HAPPENED?
OH, MY GOD, IS HE DEAD?
WHAT THE HELL D'YOU SERVE HIM, DEB?
ANY OF YOU KNOW THIS GUY?
I DO.
I DANCED WITH HIM ONCE AT BABYLON.
I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU GOT HIS NAME.
WELL, I'M STARVED. LET'S EAT.
DID YOU SEE WHAT HE WAS WEARING?
LEATHER PANTS, TANK TOP.
YEAH, MY THEORY IS WHOEVER KILLED HIM
WAS MAKING A FASHION STATEMENT.
I THINK IT WAS A... A CRIME OF PASSION.
YOU KNOW, HIS BOYFRIEND DIS- COVERED THAT...
HE WAS BEING UNFAITHFUL,
SO HE, UH... SENT HIM A NOTE
SAYING, UH, "MEET ME TONIGHT",
SOME SECRET SPOT. THINKING IT WAS...
FROM HIS LOVER, HE GOES, BUT WHEN HE GETS THERE,
HIS BOYFRIEND STEPS OUT OF THE SHADOWS,
STRANGLES HIM.
I THINK YOU'VE SEEN TOO MANY OPERAS.
[ Snorting ] OH, UH,
I'M GOING TONIGHT. UH... BIG GALA.
I HAVE AN EXTRA TICKET IF YOU WANT TO GO.
I'D RATHER END UP IN A DUMPSTER.
SO, WHOEVER THIS, UH,
DEMENTED ABERRATION OF HUMANITY WAS
WHO, UH, WHO KILLED HIM,
DO YOU THINK THEY HAD SEX FIRST?
Brian: HOPE SO.
IT'S ALWAYS BETTER TO COME BEFORE YOU GO.
[ Chuckling ]
BRIAN.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
THAT'S MY QUESTION.
Michael: JUST SIGN RIGHT THERE.
WE'RE GOING TO SHOW THEM THAT EVERY LIFE IS VALUABLE,
GAY OR STRAIGHT.
WELL, THANK GOODNESS SOMEBODY AROUND HERE
IS TAKING WHAT HAPPENED SERIOUSLY.
I'M SO PROUD OF YOU, SWEETHEART.
THANKS, MA. YOU WANT TO SIGN?
DAMN RIGHT I WILL. GIVE ME THAT PEN.
NEVER MIND, I GOT MY OWN.
"BRING BACK CAPTAIN ASTRO", WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?
IT'S A PETITION TO THE PUBLISHERS TO BRING HIM BACK.
WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH ALL OF YOU?
A BOY WAS FOUND OUTSIDE DEAD,
STUFFED IN THE GARBAGE
L-LIKE YESTERDAY'S MASHED POTATOES
AND YOU'RE ALL MAKING A JOKE OUT OF IT?
IS THAT HOW LITTLE Y-YOU THINK ABOUT HIS LIFE?
HOW LITTLE YOU THINK ABOUT YOUR OWN?
I EXPECTED MORE FROM YOU THAN THAT.
A LOT MORE.
ESPECIALLY FROM YOU.
I MEAN, YOU CARE MORE ABOUT WHAT A...
A CHARACTER OUT OF A COMIC BOOK THAN A HUMAN BEING.
YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE IT.
IT'S STRAPLESS AND TIGHT AROUND THE WAIST,
WITH SILK BUTTONS RUNNING DOWN THE BACK,
AND SMALL FLOWER APPLIQUE AT THE HEM.
WHAT?
I CAN JUST SEE YOU DESCRIBING YOUR DRESS
WHILE WE'RE BEING ARRAIGNED FOR BREAKING AND ENTERING.
I HAVE A KEY TO THE FRONT DOOR.
LOOK, LET'S JUST FIND IT AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE
BEFORE YOUR PARENTS COME HOME.
I REMEMBER IT'S IN AN OLD, WOODEN TRUNK.
THE ONE YOUR ANCES- TORS HAD WHEN THEY LANDED ON PLYMOUTH ROCK?
WELL, GRANNY FAYE'S FAMILY DID COME OVER ON "THE MAYFLOWER".
IN MY FAMILY, MAYFLOWER'S A MOVING VAN.
OOH.
LOOKY WHAT I FOUND. THAT'S IT!
IT'S GONE, VANISHED.
ANY CHANCE GRANNY FAYE'S RELATED TO HOUDINI?
WELL, SHE USED TO SHOW ME THAT DRESS
WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL
AND SHE ALWAYS PUT IT BACK IN HERE.
ALL THAT'S LEFT IS THIS PILE OF PAPERS
AND LINENS, AND THESE LETTERS.
[ Reading ] "JULY 28th, 1943.
DEAR FAYE, WHAT A GLORIOUS DAY LYING WITH YOU
ON THE SHORE OF LAKEVIEW BEACH,
FEELING THE SUN ON MY BACK AS WE BOTH FELL ASLEEP.
WITH HARRY OFF SOME- WHERE IN THE PACIFIC,
ALL I DO IS WORRY.
THE ONLY TIME I FEEL SAFE IS WHEN I'M WITH YOU.
LOVE ALWAYS, VERA."
"LOVE ALWAYS, VERA"?
VERA CARMICHAEL.
ALL OF THEM.
GRANNY NEVER MENTIONED ANY VERA.
"DECEMBER 24th, 1943.
DEAR FAYE, I'M SITTING HERE IN FRONT OF THE FIRE
LISTENING TO KATE SMITH SINGING CHRISTMAS CAROLS ON THE RADIO,
LIKE A GOOD LITTLE HOUSEWIFE.
WAITING FOR MY HUSBAND TO COME HOME FROM THE WAR.
IT'S LIKE THE COVER OF THE "SATURDAY EVENING POST",
A PERFECT PICTURE...
EXCEPT IT'S A LIE.
I DON'T BELONG HERE OR WITH HARRY.
ALL I WANT IS TO BE WITH YOU,
TO TALK WITH YOU,
TO BE HELD BY YOU."
"BE HELD BY YOU"?
SOUNDS LIKE HELL OF A FRIEND.
WELL, THAT'S HOW THEY TALKED BACK THEN, I...
"...TALK WITH YOU, TO BE HELD BY YOU...
KISS YOU...
TO MAKE LOVE WITH YOU."
HOLY SHIT!
GRANNY FAYE WAS A...
DYKE.
SO, GEORGIE.
WHERE SHALL WE VENTURE FORTH TO TONIGHT?
THERE'S, UH, THERE'S "PECS OF DEATH" CONTEST AT THE EAGLE,
THERE'S A JOCKSTRAP JUBILEE,
UNCLE ARTHUR'S. UM...
OH, NIPPLE NIGHT AT THE COCKRING.
MMM. ALL SOUNDS DELIGHTFULLY... FESTIVE.
UH, BUT PERHAPS YOU SHOULD GO WITHOUT ME.
WELL, THAT WOULDN'T BE NEARLY AS MUCH FUN.
AH.
GEORGE, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
I-I'M... I'M FINE, I'M ALL RIGHT.
I'M JUST TIRED.
WELL, YOU JUST NEED TO GET YOUR DANCE LEGS.
[ Chuckling ]
OH, WHAT'S...
WHAT'S THIS?
UH, IT'S AN INVITATION. UH...
OOH, IT'S, UH... IT'S PRETTY FANCY.
OH, IT'S TO THE OPERA GALA TONIGHT. HERE...
THE OPERA?
I'VE NEVER BEEN TO THE OPERA.
MY FRIEND TEDDY ADORES IT.
STAR-CROSSED LOVERS WHO DIE IN EACH OTHER'S ARMS.
BUT NOT BEFORE THEY SING FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF.
[ Chuckling ]
DO YOU WANT TO TAKE MY TICKETS?
OH, D-DON'T YOU WANT TO GO?
OH, I MEAN, I HAVEN'T BEEN IN YEARS.
NOT SINCE I CAME OUT.
WELL, MAYBE IT'S TIME YOU WENT AGAIN.
NO, IT'D BE TOO... TOO DIFFICULT. TOO... PAINFUL.
YOU KNOW, HAVING EVERYONE WATCH ME.
AND BESIDES, MY WIFE VIRGINIA GUARDS THE DOORS OF SCHICKEL HALL
LIKE CERBERUS, THE THREE-HEADED HOUND FROM HADES.
SO,
WHAT SAY WE BUY THREE CANS OF ALPO,
AND GO TOGETHER?
DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT ANYMORE.
SURE.
BUT, UH...
YOU KNOW WHAT I'D SAY
IF SOMEBODY WERE TRYING TO STOP ME
FROM DOING SOME- THING I LOVE.
FUCK 'EM ALL?
YOU GOT IT, BABY.
[ Radio ?????? ]
HE WAS A GOOD MAN,
A LOVING MAN.
EVERYONE WHO KNEW HIM WAS MOVED BY HIS KINDNESS
AND HIS GENEROSITY.
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?
I'M DELIVERING A EULOGY.
SAME ONE, IN FACT, THE PRIEST DELIVERED AT MY FATHER'S FUNERAL.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT CAPTAIN ASTRO?
AS MUCH AS THE PRIEST KNEW ABOUT HIM.
WELL THEN, YOU REALLY HAVE NO RIGHT TO SPEAK, DO YOU?
DO YOU THINK IT'S TRUE?
IS WHAT TRUE?
WHAT MY MOM SAID.
SHE KNEW YOU WERE QUEER WHEN YOU WERE FIVE YEARS OLD?
THAT I CARE MORE ABOUT A CHARACTER IN A COMIC BOOK
THAN I DO ABOUT A REAL PERSON.
SO WHAT IF YOU DO?
WELL, SOME MIGHT SAY
MY PRIORITIES ARE SLIGHTLY FUCKED UP.
YEAH.
SOME DON'T KNOW SHIT.
I MEAN, YOU'VE KNOWN THE CAPTAIN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE,
YOU NEVER LAID EYES ON DUMPSTER BOY UN- TIL THIS MORNING.
SO, HOW UPSET ARE YOU SUP- POSED TO GET?
YOU REMEMBER THAT RETARDED CAPTAIN ASTRO CLUB
YOU STARTED IN THE EIGHTH GRADE?
YEAH, YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE WHO JOINED.
I FELT SORRY FOR YOU. THANKS.
THOSE LAME-ASS T-SHIRTS
WITH THE CAPTAIN ASTRO LOGO YOU MADE WITH MAGIC MARKER.
THAT RAN WHEN WE SWEATED.
YEAH.
I COULDN'T GET THE INK OFF FOR DAYS.
PRACTICALLY RUBBED MYSELF RAW.
THAT WAS PATHETIC.
YEAH.
WELL, THAT WAS YOUR YOUTH, MIKEY.
CAPTAIN ASTRO WAS YOUR HERO.
SO,
YOU MOURN ALL YOU FUCKING WANT.
[ Kiss ]
[ Reading ] "MAY 8th, 1945.
DEAR FAYE,
I'M LOOKING OUT MY WINDOW
AND I SEE CHILDREN RUNNING DOWN THE STREET
WAVING LITTLE FLAGS.
IN THE DIS- TANCE, I CAN HEAR CAR HORNS.
I GUESS IT MUST BE TRUE.
THE DAY WE'VE ALL HOPED AND PRAYED FOR IS FINALLY HERE.
THE WAR IS OVER.
OUR BOYS WON.
BUT WE'VE LOST.
SOON HARRY WILL BE COMING HOME.
HE WROTE ME THAT HE WANTS TO MOVE TO FRESNO.
PLENTY OF CHEAP LAND FOR G.I.s TO BUILD HOUSES
AND RAISE THEIR FAMILIES.
I KNOW I SAID THAT WHEN THE TIME CAME
I WOULD TELL HIM ABOUT US...
BUT I CAN'T.
PLEASE UNDERSTAND IT'S NOT BECAUSE I DON'T LOVE YOU.
I AM NOT AS BRAVE AS YOU.
FORGIVE ME. VERA."
SHE LEFT GRANNY AND WENT BACK TO HER HUSBAND.
TIMES WERE DIFFERENT THEN.
IT'S WHAT WOMEN HAD TO DO.
THEY HAD NO CHOICE.
Emmett: OKAY, LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
RADAMES, THE NOBLE EGYPTIAN WARRIOR, YEAH.
COULD MARRY THE PHARAOH'S DAUGHTER
AND LIVE MORE THAN COMFORTABLY EVER AFTER.
MM-HMM. BUT INSTEAD,
HE RUNS OFF WITH AIDA, THE SLAVE GIRL,
WHO HAPPENS TO WEIGH, LIKE, 200 POUNDS.
[ Chuckle ] YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO NOTICE THAT.
HOW COULD I NOT NOTICE?
HER NAME SHOULD BE AIDA-LOT. WELL, LOOK,
T-THE POINT OF THE STORY IS THAT PASSION TRANSCENDS
ALL THE REWARDS OF THE MATERIAL WORLD.
WELL, THEN HE SHOULD GET SOME CORRECTIVE EYE SURGERY
AND CHECK OUT ALL THOSE HUNKY SLAVE BOYS.
[ Chuckling ]
Waiter: CHAMPAGNE?
George: THAT'S VERY NICE, ACTUALLY.
[ Mixed chatter ]
NO, IT WAS QUITE TASTEFUL.
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
HI, TEDDY!
[ Chuckle ]
LOOK AT YOU, ALL SPIFFED UP.
OH, YEAH.
GEORGE GOT IT FOR ME. [ Chuckle ]
I FEEL LIKE, UH... A MILLION BUCKS.
A HEAD WAITER.
George: I THINK YOU LOOK VERY HANDSOME.
AS DO YOU, TED.
OH, THANK YOU, GEORGE.
AIN'T HE A CHARMER?
SO, ENJOYING THE PRODUCTION? MM-HM.
WELL, I'M GLAD I BROUGHT THESE.
FROM WHERE I'M SITTING, IT LOOKS LIKE A SINGING FLEA CIRCUS.
OH, THAT'S A SHAME.
WE'RE IN THE FOUNDER'S BOX.
BUT THEN, IT IS, UH,
SCHICKEL HALL.
PERHAPS YOU'D CARE TO JOIN US FOR A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE.
MM, DON'T MIND IF I DO.
AH, HERE WE GO.
AH.
TED?
Woman: GEORGE!
VIRGINIA.
WELL,
IT'S BEEN YEARS SINCE YOU'VE BEEN HERE.
I KNOW.
YOU'RE LOOKING WELL.
AS ARE YOU.
UH, WELL, ALLOW ME, UH, TO INTRO- DUCE MY FRIENDS,
EMMETT, TED, MY FORMER WIFE, VIRGINIA HAMMOND.
HAMMOND'S HAMS.
THAT'S RIGHT.
I PACKED AWAY A LOT OF YOUR PORK.
SO, WHAT PROMPTED YOU TO UNEXPECTEDLY EMERGE
FROM YOUR SELF- IMPOSED EXILE?
I DID.
GEORGE AND I ARE HAVING A FABULOUS TIME.
HE'S A WONDERFUL COMPANION.
MMM.
AND HOW DID YOU MEET?
ARE YOU HIS HAIRDRESSER?
DECORATOR?
POODLE GROOMER?
ACTUALLY, WE MET ON THE INTERNET.
I, UH...
I WHACK OFF ON, UH, ON HIS WEBSITE.
[ Stammering ]
THIS CHAMPAGNE IS... IS DELIGHTFUL...
I'M THE DEMON DICK OF DOT-COM.
HOW FASCINATING.
HE MUST PAY YOU QUITE HANDSOMELY.
OH, NO. NO-NO.
NO, HE DOESN'T PAY ME AT ALL.
I WOULDN'T TAKE IT IF HE DID.
THE REASON I'M WITH GEORGE,
IS HE GIVES SPECTACULAR HEAD.
A SKILL I'M CERTAIN HE DIDN'T LEARN FROM YOU.
[ Gasping ]
MMM.
CURTAIN'S GOING UP.
COME ON, GEORGE, WE DON'T WANT TO MISS THE SECOND ACT.
HOW ABOUT THAT VERDI, HUH?
DO YOU THINK HE KNEW WHO KILLED HIM?
WHO?
HOW THE FUCK DO I KNOW?
MAYBE WE KNOW HIM.
MAYBE WE FUCKED HIM.
THAT'D BE HOT.
LIKE THAT GUY THE OTHER NIGHT.
WE DIDN'T KNOW HIM.
WE DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HIM.
HE COULD HAVE DONE ANY- THING TO US.
THE FIRST TIME YOU CAME HERE,
YOU DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME.
I COULD HAVE DONE ANYTHING TO YOU.
MM, I WAS PRETTY SURE YOU WERE GONNA FUCK ME.
THEN WHAT?
WHAT IF... [ Gasp ] HUH.
WHAT IF...
I'D STARTED TO STRANGLE YOU?
[ Panting ]
I'D RATHER YOU CHOKE ME WITH YOUR DICK.
YOU COULD HAVE BEEN DEAD.
BRIAN... HUH...
CUT IT OUT.
[ Panting ]
YOU CAME HERE NOT KNOWING WHAT WAS GONNA HAPPEN.
THAT WAS PART OF THE THRILL.
THAT'S WHAT MADE YOU HARD.
[ Chuckle ]
YOU'RE HARD NOW JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.
THE DANGER.
THE EXCITEMENT.
FUCK ME.
COME ON, DON'T BE SO UPSET.
SEE, EVEN THOUGH AIDA AND RADAMES ARE SEALED IN A TOMB
THEIR LOVE WILL LIVE ON FOR ALL ETERNITY.
OH, WHO CARES ABOUT THEM?
IT'S YOU. ME?
I SHOULD NEVER HAVE TALKED TO YOUR WIFE THAT WAY.
[ Sigh ] I DIDN'T MEAN TO BE SUCH A NASTY QUEEN.
NOW, YOUR FATE'S SEALED TOO.
THANKS TO ME, YOU'LL BE BANISHED FROM THE OPERA
FOR ALL ETERNITY.
THANKS TO YOU,
I PLAN TO ATTEND EVERY OPENING THIS SEASON.
AND HOPEFULLY WITH MY...
HUNKY SLAVE BOY ON MY ARM.
YOU'RE NOT ANGRY? ANGRY?
I HAD THE BEST FUCKING LAUGH OF MY ENTIRE LIFE.
I NEVER SAW VIRGINIA OPEN HER MOUTH THAT WIDE.
[ Chuckling ]
WHO KNOWS, MAYBE IF SHE HAD, WE MIGHT STILL BE TOGETHER.
[ Laughing ]
AW, GOSH, WHAT A REVELATION YOU ARE.
WHY, IN THE PAST FEW DAYS ALONE,
I'VE LIVED MORE THAN I HAVE IN THE PAST FEW...
YEARS.
SO WHAT'S NEXT ON THE BILL?
HMM.
MM, "RIGOLETTO".
NOW, THAT IS THE STORY OF THIS HUNCHBACK DWARF COURT JESTER
WHOSE BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER IS RAPED BY THE WICKED DUKE.
UGH. ENOUGH WITH THE REALITY PROGRAMMING.
CAN'T ANYBODY WRITE A DECENT DRAMA ANYMORE?
[ Chuckling ]
YOU COMING TO BED?
IN A MINUTE.
THERE'S ONE MORE LETTER.
IT'S NEVER BEEN OPENED.
[ Clearing of throat ]
"DEAR FAYE,
I KNOW IT'S BEEN MANY YEARS SINCE I'VE WRITTEN YOU.
HARRY DIED LAST WEEK.
WE WERE MARRIED FOR ALMOST 50 YEARS.
IT WAS A GOOD MARRIAGE, WE SHARED MANY THINGS.
BUT AT THE FUNERAL I KEPT THINKING HOW DIFFERENT MY LIFE WOULD HAVE BEEN
IF... IF WHAT?
I HAD THE COURAGE TO SAY YES,
TO BE HONEST,
TO EXPRESS WHAT I TRULY FELT THE WAY WE DID,
THAT DAY ON THE SHORE OF LAKEVIEW BEACH.
I'VE ALWAYS LOVED YOU, FAYE,
AND EVEN THOUGH IT'S BEEN A LIFETIME,
I WANT YOU TO KNOW I STILL DO.
YOU ALWAYS WERE AND ALWAYS WILL BE MY TRUE LOVE.
VERA."
IT'S DATED MARCH 10th, 1994.
SO?
GRANNY FAYE DIED IN 1992.
SHE NEVER GOT TO READ IT.
OR KNOW THAT VERA ALWAYS LOVED HER.
[ Clearing of throat ]
YOU KNOW...
I'M SUDDENLY IN THE MOOD FOR SURF AND TURF.
YOU ARE?
I SAY WE GO FOR THE CORNUCOPIAD'OR.
IT'S WILDLY EXTRAVAGANT.
IT'LL PROBABLY LAND US IN THE POOR HOUSE.
IT'S OUR SPECIAL DAY.
BESIDES,
GRANNY FAYE AND VERA WOULD HAVE WANTED US TO.
[ Club ?????? ]
Ben: CHECKING OUT THE ACTION?
EVERYTHING'S THE SAME.
BUSINESS AS USUAL.
Ben: WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?
THAT THINGS WOULD STOP, YOU KNOW,
EVEN FOR ONE NIGHT.
THAT THERE'D BE A PROTEST OR A...
CANDLELIGHT VIGIL OR SOMETHING.
THEY DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT.
OR ABOUT GAY BASHING OR AIDS, OR...
ANY OF THE OTHER SHIT WE ALL HAVE TO LIVE WITH.
CAN'T SAY I BLAME THEM.
SO WE'RE JUST SUPPOSED TO GO ON OUR MERRY WAY?
DANCING, DRINKING, DOING DRUGS
AND GETTING OUR DICKS SUCKED?
HE DESERVES TO BE REMEMBERED.
AT LEAST FOR A MINUTE.
TELL YOU WHAT.
WE'LL HAVE OUR OWN CANDLE- LIGHT VIGIL.
IT'S ALL SO...
TENTATIVE?
UNPREDICTABLE?
ANY MOMENT, ANY ONE OF US COULD PICK UP THE WRONG GUY,
OR GET ON THE WRONG PLANE,
OR STEP OFF THE CURB
JUST AS THE BUS IS BARRELING DOWN THE STREET.
DO YOU EVER GET SCARED?
WHY DO YOU THINK I MEDITATE,
AND DO YOGA, AND EXERCISE LIKE A FIEND?
IF IT BUYS ME PEACE OF MIND FOR EVEN 30 SECONDS,
IT'S WORTH IT.
I ALSO FIND HAVING SOMEONE TO HOLD
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
HELPS A WHOLE HELL OF A LOT.
[ Distant club ?????? ]
[ ?????? ]
Justin: HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
UH, TOMMY... TONY...
TIMMY HERE HAS INVITED ME OVER TO HIS HOUSE
TO SEE HIS STAMP COLLECTION.
WHAT, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HIS NAME?
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
WHAT'S IT TO YOU?
COME ON.
LET'S GO HOME.
ARE YOU SCARED I'M GOING TO GET MURDERED?
BRIAN, PLEASE.
THERE'S NEVER BEEN A HOTTER TIME TO FUCK A STRANGER.
HEY, WHILE WE'RE YOUNG.
I'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
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[ ?????? ]
?? THE RECORD PLAYER KEEPS ON TURNING 'ROUND ??
?? IT COULD BE STUCK OR MAYBE IT'S THE SOUND ??
?? ALL THE TIME I SHOULD BE THERE WITH YOU ??
?? BUT MAYBE I'M JUST SEARCHING FOR THE TRUTH ??
?? OR MAYBE I'M JUST SEARCHING FOR THE TRUTH ??
?? AND NOW IT SEEMS WE'RE RUNNING OUT TIME ??
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